Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
