My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
