I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
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Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize