He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
