Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
