please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
