I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
