nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
