at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
