Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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