The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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