My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He shit in the fireplace
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
