miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
