I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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