You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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