i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
No more Irish car bombs ever.
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He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
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Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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