i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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