New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
