ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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