We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
