The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?