Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.