2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.