i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
