i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
