That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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