In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
