this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
