How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
