1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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