So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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