Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
