I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Damn victory sex feels great
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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