I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I need help removing her.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
