I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize