You're so nebulous sometimes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
