I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
