sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
