if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
