so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
