im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
