I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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