My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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