you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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