I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
