The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
