Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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