you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
