Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
