Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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