the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
