There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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