I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
