i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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