upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
