I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
