Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
