My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
