Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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