I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.