I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
