You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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